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A Little Dab'll Do Ya

Raise your hand, say Heil Mein Fuhrer and then get back in line.

I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember what a dab of, or what that dab would do for ya. It only took a little research to find out. I cannot say that my life or mental stability has benefited from this information. The company stated that this product, which amounted to axle grease and perfume, would cause girls to pursue you so they could run their fingers through your hair.

Let me get this straight, greasy hair is disgusting, but it’s ok if you add the grease on purpose. I believe that running your hand through someone’s hair and finding it slimy is akin to finding cat poop with your bare toes. Once that cat poop squeezed up between them, you will never be comfortable going bare foot again. I think this product and others like it were what amounted to birth control in the fifties.

I can’t believe I ate the whole thing. Am I the only person who never doubted he ate it? Furthermore, I believed he had lunch with his girlfriend first. He had an enormous salad, trying to convince her he was on a diet. After she returned to work, he stopped by an Italian restaurant, ordered and ate the whole thing, then had two canollies afterward. He was already overweight and balding, poor guy. Apparently after he died from eating too much of the whole thing, this company resorted to plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is.

Am I the only one who has noticed that heartburn and queasy stomach remedies make you sick? If my stomach is upset, the last thing I need is some pasty chalky slime, slithering down my throat. It matters little if it’s pink, minty green or white. If I’m about the throw up, the pink stuff will push me over the edge every time. If I have acid reflux or heartburn, the last thing I need is to chase a pill with a full glass of water or mix something with water which tastes like lemons and gasoline.

If yesterday’s two chili dogs are down there planning their escape, all they need is some slimy stuff, gasoline or a whopping glass of water to arrive and point out an alternative escape route.

Am I the only one who remembers where they learned to spell Bologna or that it had a first and last name? I never wished I was any kind of wiener. Why did I turn out to be one?

Don’t get me started on cigarettes. Blank taste good like a dog’s behind should. This song was sung for years by Fred Flintstone. I’d walk a mile for a blank, if I could do it without coughing up a lung. John Wayne was the poster child for this brand, but has gone on to enjoy a much longer stint as the poster child for lung cancer. I’d rather fight than switch, featured people with black eyes; I’m not sure, were those commercials about cigarettes or statements made by Nicole Simpson. What do Fred Flintstone, Dean Martin, Ron White and Kennesaw Taylor have in common? They are all prehistoric men who smoke too much.

How many frogs, horses, bears and beautiful women does it take to convince us that beer tastes great? Archaeologists found a 4000 year old Mesopotamian stone tablet, which turned out to be the oldest recipe in the world. Wouldn’t you know it is a recipe for beer?  It took some serious advertising talent to promote a thing which tastes like kerosene, drain cleaner and well, quite frankly cat urine, combined. Think about this, what does beer look like?

 Just how cold does this combination need to be to make it palatable? People say they drink it for the taste. I challenge any of you to say you didn’t gag the first time you tried it. If the first three are cold enough and you drink them fast enough, you simply don’t care what it looks or tastes like. That retching thing you get from drinking beer and straight liquor is simply your body saying. What da Hell?

I guess I’m just trying to point out what has caused so many of our current problems. Many of our social ills and general dissatisfaction with life, stems from one type of campaign or the other. Throughout history wars have been referred to as campaigns. We are assaulted on a daily basis with Ad campaigns designed to cram useless stuff down our throats. The next few months will be a never ending campaign, designed to force useless information and more importantly useless politicians, down our throats.

Warfare, political and advertising campaigns, are sleight of hand tactics, which serve to keep our eyes busy as their hands are busy liberating our money. It’s probably just my imagination, raise your hand, say Heil Mein Fuhrer and then get back in line.

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

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