Alice VS.....The Bodybuilder

The announcement said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a 1/2
  full flight so everyone should be able to enjoy a seat in between or even a   whole row to yourselves!"  A cheer went up!  Marvelous!  I was on row "6" in  the  aisle seat and a lovely older woman had already claimed the window seat; it  was  going to be an awesome flight; then HE showed up.  Oompa Loompa orange and   roughly the same height, he asked, "Can I squeeze in?! I like to sit up front!"    I wanted to pull a Garbo and say, "I VANT to be alone!" but my folks taught me   to be polite so I said, "sure"; note to self: I am going to have to have a talk with  my folks. So here sits a man, approximately the same color as my favorite childhood   drink, Tang and I know things are not going to go well. Fabulous!  Everyone  else  is enjoying SPACE but not me, so I try to concentrate on my   knitting.
 
Whenever I fly or am sitting anywhere waiting , I have my   knitting. It keeps me occupied, entertained and in the end I have something to   show for it. Angry Birds has nothing on knitting! With my headphones in,  listening to "Wait, Wait! Don't Tell Me!", a comedy show from NPR and knitting  up  a storm, I was sure I was fully protected....no such luck!
 
After take off, Le Petit'  Schwarzenegger whips out his body building magazine- have you
seen one of these? All  the men are greased, so "tan" they look like dirt, every  vein popping,  muscles flexed, nipples protruding and wearing a "swimsuit"  that makes the  SPEEDO appear to have the same amount of fabric as a Toga--it  was like PORN! I  suddenly felt dirty and wanted to run, but of course, I was  stuck in a metal  tube, where was I going to go?
 
So, head down, not looking to my right, headphones blaring,  I  begin to knit. Gollum then says, "Hey! You're knitting! My grandmother used  to  knit, "the wife" (apparently she has no proper name, just a title) crochets  because she can't seem to figure it out. My grandmother knits everything! She  is  ........" and so it went. UGHHHH. I made the obligatory noises of "uh huh,
oh,  and mmmm" but soon realized it was fruitless. He was not going to be  deterred,  no matter what. Finally, defeated, I took the headphones off. That  was when he  complimented me on the color choice of the hat I was making.  It  was BLACK and  TAN people! No real "COLOR" choice involved here. Probably the  FARTHEST from  "color" you can get, no imagination needed and he was impressed.  Kill me  now.
 
Over the next 2 hours I was informed of all his goings on,  not  that I had asked. He told me he had "seeds" in his prostate (Great, I am  being  exposed to radiation AND his personality - can't decide which is worse!),  in two  years he will be competing in the MR New Mexico contest at the age of  60, he is  58 now but still thinks he can do it.  He just paid $10,000 CASH for  a BMW to  which I am thinking, DUDE!  It must be CRAP if it was 10K!!? I would  NOT be  bragging!  Then he told me that he was going to write a book about his  fight  with prostate cancer as everyone said he was inspiring-- little did he  know he  was inspiring ME to try and jump out of a perfectly good airplane! Oh,  I even  learned about his rental car choice and why he made that choice (he had  met a  young woman from Enterprise who encourage him to rent a car--shocker-- to  get  back to Los Alamos rather than have "THE WIFE" come and get him). So there  ya  go- the 7th level of hell, express lane, no death needed.
 
A few days ago, I found an item that I am seriously   contemplating purchasing. It is a HUGE pillow type apparatus that you place  OVER  your head called the "Ostrich". Not only is it FRIGHTENING to look at, I  think the  word "CRAZY" would come to mind.  This thing looks like it is EATING  your head;  think "ALIEN".  No one is going to want to sit next to the person  who  is sporting this on their head.  I have no idea how much it costs but I  think  after what I went through, no price would be too high!  You might want  one too.  "He Who Must Not Be Named" could still be out there and no matter how  full the  flight is, HE wants to sit next to YOU!

For more fun visit:  www.AliceVS.com